Friday, June 5, 2009

Dear readers...

If you've been wondering what the heck is up - why so few posts, why no wrap-up of the potluck contest, is poor Rob still around (I know its only been a week but do you feel the drama?)? The answer is that I just arrived in Scottsdale for a catering event that I'm doing tomorrow.

Yes its odd that I'm catering 5 hours away from my base kitchen - that's fun packing everything you might need. Its also fun trying to figure out how someone with my propensities and styles is going to manage transporting all sorts off heat fragile items to the final site in 100°F temperatures. But that's nothing compared to how I had to defend my pastry supplies (especially my gelatin leaves) from cats determined to lick them - I'm staying at the customers house to prep. Have I ever mentioned how much I dislike cats?!

But that was last night. Today I am cranking out ten dishes for Saturday's event including candied duck breast, papas rellenos, apple shooters and more. The father of the bride is big city all the way and he's the one who hired me. The mother of the bride is Iowa mama and they're saying things like, "I won't even ask what's in that." The funny thing is that when the sister said that - it was just apple juice...scary stuff. They are very afraid of what I might try to put down their mouths - but hey! they just passed gay marriage so they've got to be somewhat daring.

I'll be sure to post a full round-up after the event since its in a high-profile dowtown Scottsdale art gallery where the kitchen is part of the display. It should be a fun event - wish me fast and cold travel to the gallery, however.

But that's not why I'm writing. So...I'm driving for about two hours on this incredibly long trip when I start feeling very, very tired. I'm driving our truck which we call the Death Star because it is huge and black, and its loaded with my entire kitchen. I'm in the middle of the dessert doing anything to not fall asleep. First I see:

Anyone who has driven on I-10 through Southern Arizona has seen the multitude of these signs. I've never stopped and have always secretly wanted to know what "the thing" is. But that wasn't my goal tonight. I needed sugar and caffeine - but I don't really like coffee and I'm kinda fearful of energy drinks. I wanted something like Starbucks Caramel Mocchiato - glorious gut rot in a cup...with whipped cream! And it turns out that while there's no Starbucks for another 90 minutes, packaged in with "the thing" is a Dairy Queen.

Now, I haven't been to a DQ in years because I heard how notoriosly dirty their soft serve dispensers are, but that wasn't on my mind right now. I needed a boost. And look what I found

That's right, a "Moolattè." Wow, what marketing savant came up with that name? But it gets better. I ordered the caramel variety of this frozen concoction and the server asks, "Would you like a MegaMoo?" Silence. "Uh...no." After I collected myself, and since she wasnt' busy, I had to ask, "You said a MegaMoo?" She said, "Yeah, I have to say it but I get embarassed every time." Me - "I would too." A MegaMoo! What an utter insult to my intelligence and waistline! What a bunch of bull! (double snicker - not to be confused with a double Snickers which would be like a MegaMoo) They're basically saying, "Okay fat ass, how big do you want to go?!" Now, I don't post pics of myself very often, but if I do have a weight issue, its on the thin side

So I left, slurping my caramel fat ass drink feeling renewed energy for the rest of the drive...but I still wondered - what is "the thing?" But, there's no way I'm shelling out even one penny to support this roadside tourist trap. Big ball of yarn - yes. Building made of corn cobs - yes. But no "the thing." See you have to peak my interest by actually naming your trap something - not "the thing." And while writing this I found some google images but I didn't want to ruin the fun by showing them here until I saw how utterly stupid "the thing" looks - please, at least try to make it look like it could be real. So without further ado, I present to you.....THE THING!

Uh...no.

Edited to add that I apparently had the pre-the thing picture. Here's the main event

I'll be on vacation for a week following Saturday's event. I'll do my best to wrap up the pot luck contest by gulping down some Filipino Vienna sausages. Until then...be afraid...be very afraid!

4 comments:

Manggy said...

Oh, you mean Vienna Sausages aren't from Austria?! :)
Relax. I hope Filipino food has not traumatized you somehow. I happen to eat the stuff everyday, and look how I turned out. (Uh...) (I happen to love Dairy Queen, by the way, if that makes matters worse.)
Ugh, THAT's the thing. I just shudder to think what poor soul gave up his face so they could plaster it on that. I hope it's not a real face. I don't want to check.

redkathy said...

I hear you on the parents of the bride. My son just finishes shooting a wedding.... OMG some of the requests/comments he gets!
Funny you mention DQ... I was there a few weeks ago, first time in probably 15 years, for a smoothie. Yep, I was being lazy, but brave ;)

Klary Koopmans said...

Dear Rob, only you could be in the middle of a dessert trying not to fall asleep ;)

Gfron1 said...

Desserts first, sleep second, desserts third.